Suffering

Suffering

***

Suffering 

Sweet Sister pain 

You spin me out 

Your meaningless 

Games 

Shatter my brain 

No idea who I am 

Life is not the same 

Lost my name 

Blown out in the rain 

My spirit 

Bleeds out 

Broken memories 

Flush down the drain 

Life in the fast lane 

My badge of shame 

Broken 

What was precious 

Is now stained 

My life passport expired 

In the black storms 

Of my brain 

In purgatory 

I have been detained 

I can count on no advocate 

Burned bridges 

No one to retain 

My inner self destructive 

Emotions 

Are out of control 

No idea how they can be tamed 

I beat myself to pulp 

Tired of falling 

Don't want to feel this way 

Don't want to be on this train 

You ask what happened?

From womb to this moment 

It's impossible to explain 

I don't even understand 

I lay here 

It's been a long time 

In the shadows 

You ask if I have a plan?

You ask when this began?

Truth is I ran 

I ran in circles 

Found myself in the badlands 

Inner self loathing and despair 

Inner cancer eating my brain 

I can't help but feel I'm to blame 

I reject the worlds demands 

I won't follow your commands 

Feel it is the last act 

Strike up the band 

I am frozen 

In the past 

Sinking in memories 

Can't pull out of my 

Inner downward 

spiraling quicksand 

A refugee of life 

Desperate wanderer 

No home 

No land 

I'll keep living 

Rotting until the end 

You tell me I make myself vulnerable 

Don't I know I will be hurt further?

What's left of meaning?

I feel too weak to defend 

I am self conscious 

Fear if I speak a word 

I will offend 

No more hiding 

I am unable to pretend 

Once I assumed life would ascend 

I didn't think my spirit would descend 

I thought others would be there 

They tried 

I feel deeply alone without friends 

I write poetry 

It does not satisfy 

It increases the pain 

Beaten down 

See no light 

If I was a stock 

There would be no dividends 

I have been to the wasteland 

One to many times 

My mind heart 

Car crash 

Scattered limbs 

What's  left to mend?

Love is not something 

We can borrow or lend 

In my pit 

No rope to crawl out 

No helping hand 

I was married at the crossroads 

At this wedding with fate 

You are alone 

No guests attend 

If poetry vould help me transcend 

But I feel nothing 

My being a barren plane 

My pilot light is out 

I see no flame 

I will be honest 

I am terrified of Sister Pain 

Burned to the ground 

I don't recognize myself 

I can't comprehend 

What life has become 

I am sorry for these words 

I have penned 

If I had something left to give 

If I still wished to live

Feel I am witnessing

My own execution

No pity please

Don't say it's all ok

I see no resolution

My poem has no happy end

I don't have the energy

To edit my words which bleed

Some wounds may not heal

I am beyond lost

I am sorry dear friends

I'll share but to what end?

I can't make sense of life

I try to love myself

To love others

But I am tired friends

It's far too painful

Like Rimbaud

It may be time for my poems to end

As I rot destroyed

I'm the wasteland of my brain

Times dusty plains

Held in the cruel hands

Sweet Sister pain

You smell like a rotting corpse

Grant me absolution

Stop your persecution

Through my being flows

Depressions pollution

I will stop here and confess

I see no solution

Do I still care

I don't know friends

I don't know

I don't

Suffering 

***

David Arndt 2022

***